The Power of Eternal Gratitude Within Loss - by Rhonda
by Team Mama Wins | August 13th, 2018
Finding the gratitude in a miscarriage is a challenging thing to do, but it’s the only way I was able to move forward after mine.
As newlyweds, my husband and I found out that I was to be expecting when I was two months along in my pregnancy. At first, came fear, but that was short-lived once the excitement took over. The moment the joy hit me, the planning started. I started preparing for a future with a new baby to come, and for myself as a new mommy. I was always the girl who said, “I don’t really want to have kids.” But, that changed the moment I felt life inside of me. There is something magical that happens to a woman when she’s pregnant and feeling maternal. An overwhelming feeling of importance and purpose which is on an entirely new level begins to take over her life, her identity. For me, it made me feel powerful, and for the first time in my life I was excited about becoming a mother. I was so thrilled that I even broke the rule and I told my mom and dad while I was still in my first trimester. There was too much glee to hold it in, and I also wanted some advice. They were overjoyed for me, and they seemed to be proud of me! Who knew this feeling ever existed?! I was on top of the moon.
A couple of weeks later, I woke up to mild cramps. I didn’t think much of them at first because I thought it was normal for me to be experiencing them. I had read that it in many blogs during my pregnancy and Google said it was my uterus - “making room for the baby”. Although, I could tell this pain was familiar. It felt like a period, but an aching one. I was scared every time I used the restroom that day. It just didn’t feel right, and something felt far off. I went about my day best I could, and then it happened. I used the bathroom and I started bleeding very badly. I then knew then something was wrong. My husband was extremely concerned as I walked out of the bathroom, asking if I was okay because he saw my face. It was blank. See, I had not told him about any of my symptoms before this as I didn’t want him thinking I was overreacting or paranoid. Immediately, I told him that we needed to get me to the emergency room because something was terribly wrong.
When we got there, I told them all my symptoms, and they told me I had most likely miscarried. I was so angry with them for telling me that, telling me such sad and awful news without even looking at me or having ran all the tests required at first. They did not know that for sure yet, but later and after the ultrasound and some blood work, it was confirmed that I had miscarried. I couldn’t help but instantly feel like my new future that I had been planning for was now taken away from me. It felt like something was stolen. I kept asking “Why me?”. “I’m healthy, I work out 3-5 days a week and I eat well, so why me?” They didn’t have any answers for me other than, “It happens.” Naturally, I started wondering if it was me, was there something wrong with me? Had I waited too late to have kids? Was I wrong for having sex while pregnant? Was it those pineapples I ate?! I then started to blame everything including my husband. I was mad at everyone, and everything. When the time came to tell my family, I was devastated. It was so difficult that I could only send a text and right after I turned my phone off. I didn’t want to talk to anybody, not even my husband who I had just married. For days I bled, and it was painful. It was very painful both emotionally and physically.
I struggled with this tragedy and occurrence for a long time. It took me going online and hearing so many women tell their story of their miscarriage for me to feel somewhat normal. So now I’m a number. This is common, and it happened to me also. I am now part of the 1 in 4 women this happens to.
I learned that most miscarriages can occur in the first trimester because of chromosome imbalances or the baby just not being healthy enough to begin with so, your body “rejects” it early on to avoid any future complications. That’s when some peace came, and I had found a bit of gratitude in this mess. I saw it in thinking that if my baby had made it full term that it may not have been healthy and would have had a hard life. Once I started thanking God for this concept that I found comfort in I started to feel like me again. Day by day I was starting to recover. I had to heal at my pace, and in ways best for me. My husband dealt with his grief by silence and I dealt with my grief by finding understanding. We all grieve differently, and no way is the wrong way, and no set amount of time is wrong either. Grieving is a process, and everyone has a different healing time frame so have compassion on yourself and take the necessary time you require to survive this.
Some people may say, “How can you be so sad about something that wasn’t a baby yet? Or, “How can you be so sad about something when you were only a couple months along?” They obviously have no understanding what-so-ever and my answer to those people is always the same and quite simple. “The moment a woman finds out she has life inside of her is the moment she becomes a mother, forever.”
Want to connect with Rhonda?
You can reach Rhonda at: @rhondathough
Miscarriage Support Helpline
The Miscarriage Association
Helpline: 01924 200 799